You know?

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Suddenly I feel that I have lost the ‘hui-ling’ (feelings) of being
expressive in my blog.

I don’t feel the joy of writing anymore.

Lots of event happened and somehow I clear my thoughts on certain
stuffs that have been bothering me for a longgg while.

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Human are weird creatures, in fact I’m one of them.

Just weeks ago, I was in a little hysterical state.

I realised I might be having emotional disorder.

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I think I might have a mild depressive disorder?

it matched with the symptoms I had.

I didn’t know that because I never told anyone about this.

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Ever since the death anniversary of my cat, the heaviness in my chest
 couldn’t be washed away.

Gradually, this has become the misery that lives inside me.
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I laughed a lot with my friends.

But afterwhich, I never remembered the laughter.

These laughters just never reach the bottom of my heart.

I felt sad because they are all surfaced joy; and in an unpleasant way,
they are ‘fake’.
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When I’m alone, mood changes drastically.

One moment I may be laughing, it instantly disappear in a split second.

And naturally, tears rolled down without a sign.

It just came on and off, as and when it likes.
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I thought I was a sadist.

Just when I was feeling miserable, I felt ecstatic that I am suffering.

Ironic isn’t it?

It is just like I am anticipating more pains,

wondering when will I break down or suffocate myself from all these rubbish.

Then I realise, that the shaper the pain is, the more conscious I am.
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It turns out that I am abusing my body,

Not purposely, but unintentionally as I lost track of time.
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A thought stuck me…

Maybe it’s because of all those beliefs that I had;

because of the turmoil that I’m experiencing.

I set myself to "death sentence",

Yet my mind and my heart are still fighting over it.

I stopped believing all those beliefs,
but will it do?
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Everything has been clear.

No matter how I wish to flee, it will always follow me..
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Illusionary as it is ….

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